Godly Parenting and the Detached Parenting Style

We have one last parenting style to look at.  The DETACHED parenting style has low focus on the child’s behavior and low focus on their thoughts and feelings.

The detached parent ignores the child’s behavior, thoughts, and feelings by being physically and/or emotionally absent to the child.  This parent feels worthless or at least incapable of caring adequately for a child and does not need failure in parenting as further proof of that.  So he or she checks out of parenting altogether.  The detached parent’s motivation:  I do not have the time or energy for this child and cannot handle being blamed for how the child turns out.  I will leave it to the child or others to see to things.

This provokes a child to anger (Ephesians 6:4) because it leaves a child to himself, deprives the child of relationship to this parent at all.  It is a selfish parental style, concerned only for the parent’s comfort and avoidance of blame.

A biblical example of this parenting style is found in king David’s relationship to his sons Amnon and Absalom.

2 Samuel 13:1–21, 28-34, 37
Now Absalom, David’s son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was Tamar. And after a time Amnon, David’s son, loved her. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her. But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David’s brother. And Jonadab was a very crafty man. And he said to him, “O son of the king, why are you so haggard morning after morning? Will you not tell me?” Amnon said to him, “I love Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.” Jonadab said to him, “Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘Let my sister Tamar come and give me bread to eat, and prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat it from her hand.’” So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. And when the king came to see him, Amnon said to the king, “Please let my sister Tamar come and make a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat from her hand.”
Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, “Go to your brother Amnon’s house and prepare food for him.” So Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house, where he was lying down. And she took dough and kneaded it and made cakes in his sight and baked the cakes. And she took the pan and emptied it out before him, but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, “Send out everyone from me.” So everyone went out from him. Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food into the chamber, that I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the cakes she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. But when she brought them near him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, “Come, lie with me, my sister.” She answered him, “No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.” But he would not listen to her, and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her.
Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, “Get up! Go!” But she said to him, “No, my brother, for this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me.” But he would not listen to her. He called the young man who served him and said, “Put this woman out of my presence and bolt the door after her.” Now she was wearing a long robe with sleeves, for thus were the virgin daughters of the king dressed. So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the long robe that she wore. And she laid her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went.
And her brother Absalom said to her, “Has Amnon your brother been with you? Now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother; do not take this to heart.” So Tamar lived, a desolate woman, in her brother Absalom’s house. When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry.
Then Absalom commanded his servants, “Mark when Amnon’s heart is merry with wine, and when I say to you, ‘Strike Amnon,’ then kill him. Do not fear; have I not commanded you? Be courageous and be valiant.” So the servants of Absalom did to Amnon as Absalom had commanded. Then all the king’s sons arose, and each mounted his mule and fled.
While they were on the way, news came to David, “Absalom has struck down all the king’s sons, and not one of them is left.” Then the king arose and tore his garments and lay on the earth. And all his servants who were standing by tore their garments. But Jonadab the son of Shimeah, David’s brother, said, “Let not my lord suppose that they have killed all the young men, the king’s sons, for Amnon alone is dead. For by the command of Absalom this has been determined from the day he violated his sister Tamar. Now therefore let not my lord the king so take it to heart as to suppose that all the king’s sons are dead, for Amnon alone is dead.”
But Absalom fled. (ESV)

David is detached as a parent, and we may guess why.  His son Amnon has done something very similar to what David did, taking a woman sexually that he should not have.  How can David punish or deal with Amnon when he has been guilty of the same thing?  So he does nothing but get angry.  Absalom believes it falls to him to avenge this wrong, since his father will do nothing.  After Absalom has been away some time  in self-exile, David is persuaded to allow Absalom to return home, but he refuses to meet with Absalom (2 Samuel 14).  David now takes a detached style with Absalom.  After all, Absalom has done the same thing David did when he had Bathsheba’s husband put to death.  Absalom’s anger at this eventually leads him to overthrow his father and make himself king in David’s place (2 Samuel 15-18).

So none of the parenting styles we have examined is a godly parenting style, not the DICTATORIAL style, the ENMESHED style, the INDULGENT style, nor the DETACHED style.  What is the godly style of parenting?  Next post.