Godly Parenting, First Principles

The apostle Paul, who as far as we know was never a parent, gives some amazing direction to parents in his letter to the Ephesians, chapter 6, verse 4:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

What is clear from this is that parents are responsible for training their children to know and obey the Lord.  We may gather from other Scripture that this includes teaching them to love the Lord (Deuteronomy 6:4-7).  

What is not so clear from this is that parents are going to have to overcome the temptation to love themselves more than their children.  Paul counsels against the very real problem of provoking one’s child to anger.  What provokes a child to anger?  It certainly cannot be directing them in the Lord’s discipline.  No, it is rather seeking to direct them in the Lord’s discipline, or any discipline for that matter, out of selfishness rather than love.  It is parenting your child to get what you need rather than what your child needs.

I’m a lover of axes.  I don’t mean the hatchet-like tool loggers use to chop down trees.  I’m talking about the plural of axis (pronounced ak-seez).  The double axis particularly fascinates me.  It provides a four-quadrant way to look at an issue from an analytical approach that unlocks insight.  It has been used for decision making, sales strategy, media stigmatizing, etc.  We’re going to use it for analyzing parenting styles, styles of parenting that are self-centered instead of child centered.

Here is our basis for analysis.  The iceberg.  As you know, what you see above the surface of the water is far outweighed by what is under the surface.  This is our paradigm for children, or anyone, for that matter.  What you see on the surface of children or anyone is their behavior.  What is underneath, usually out of sight, are their thoughts and feelings.  Our parenting styles will be determined by how much or how little attention we give to each aspect of our child.

Here is our double axis:

Let’s look at the top left quadrant.  This quadrant describes a parenting style that has high concern for the child’s behavior and low concern for the child’s thoughts and feelings.

We’re calling this the DICTATORIAL parenting style.  The dictatorial parent seeks to control the behavior of the child so that the child conforms to appropriate norms. The child’s thoughts and feelings are not as much of a concern.  What is motivating this parent?  What is self-centered about this parenting rather than loving?

This parent needs others to view him or her as a good parent (preserving a sense of his or her value), or at least needs the child to stop disturbing his or her lifestyle (preserving his or her sense of peace).  This parent’s motivation?  I need my child to reflect well on me (or, I need my life undisturbed) so I must get my child to do what I want him or her to do. Thoughts and feelings are too messy and complicated and relatively unimportant.

Now I know, this is an extreme statement of this parenting style.  Most dictatorial parents are not only ever concerned about appearances to other adults when their child misbehaves.  Nevertheless, this is the style they tend to revert to.  It is performance oriented.  And can you see how it will anger this child?  It doesn’t matter what was going on inside the kid.  All that mattered was his behavior.  Maybe he was feeling really sad, or confused, or hurt and this affected his behavior.  But his parent didn’t concern himself or herself with that.  The parent isn’t helping this child learn to follow the Lord, just reprimanding his behavior.

So this child does not feel understood, does not have a sense of his or her value, but only sees a focus on performing.  This child does not feel loved.  This style breeds anger in the child.

In the next post I want to show you a biblical example of dictatorial parenting.  But I would like you to consider that this “parenting” style could also be a “leadership” style for anyone who has power over others.  That makes it a “grandparenting” style, or a “CEO” style, or any kind of leadership style.  Is this your default style of parenting or leading?