Godly Parenting
The apostle Paul, who as far as we know was never a parent, gives some amazing direction to parents in his letter to the Ephesians, chapter 6, verse 4:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
What is clear from this is that parents are responsible for training their children to know and obey the Lord. We may gather from other Scripture that this includes teaching them to love the Lord (Deuteronomy 6:4-7).
What is not so clear from this is that parents are going to have to overcome the temptation to love themselves more than their children. Paul counsels against the very real problem of provoking one’s child to anger. What provokes a child to anger? It certainly cannot be directing them in the Lord’s discipline. No, it is rather seeking to direct them in the Lord’s discipline, or any discipline for that matter, out of selfishness rather than love. It is parenting your child to get what you need rather than what your child needs.
I’m a fan of four quadrant analysis, or four field matrix thinking around axes. I don’t mean the hatchet-like tool loggers use to chop down trees. I’m talking about the plural of axis (pronounced ak-seez). The double axis particularly fascinates me. It provides a four-quadrant way to look at an issue from an analytical approach that unlocks insight. It has been used for decision making, sales strategy, media stigmatizing, etc. We’re going to use it for analyzing parenting styles, styles of parenting that are self-centered instead of child centered.
Here is our basis for analysis. The iceberg. As you know, what you see above the surface of the water is far outweighed by what is under the surface. This is our paradigm for children, or anyone, for that matter. What you see on the surface of children, or anyone for that matter, is their behavior. What is underneath, usually out of sight, are their thoughts and feelings. Our parenting styles will be determined by how much or how little attention we give to each aspect of our child.
Here is our double axis:
Dictatorial Parenting
Let’s look at the top left quadrant. This quadrant describes a parenting style that has high concern for the child’s behavior and low concern for the child’s thoughts and feelings.
We’re calling this the DICTATORIAL parenting style. The dictatorial parent seeks to control the behavior of the child so that the child conforms to appropriate norms. The child’s thoughts and feelings are not as much of a concern. What is motivating this parent? What is self-centered about this parenting rather than loving?
This parent needs others to view him or her as a good parent (preserving a sense of his or her value), or at least needs the child to stop disturbing his or her lifestyle (preserving his or her sense of peace). This parent’s motivation? I need my child to reflect well on me (or, I need my life undisturbed) so I must get my child to do what I want him or her to do. Thoughts and feelings are too messy and complicated and relatively unimportant.
Now I know, this is an extreme statement of this parenting style. Most dictatorial parents are not only ever concerned about appearances to other adults when their child misbehaves. Nevertheless, this is the style they tend to revert to. It is performance oriented. And can you see how it will anger this child? It doesn’t matter what was going on inside the kid. All that mattered was his behavior. Maybe he was feeling really sad, or confused, or hurt and this affected his behavior. But his parent didn’t concern himself or herself with that. The parent isn’t helping this child learn to follow the Lord, just reprimanding his behavior.
So this child does not feel understood, does not have a sense of his or her value, but only sees a focus on performing. This child does not feel loved. This style breeds anger in the child. The dictatorial parenting style is inherently selfish. It provokes a child to wrath or anger because it is more about preserving the parent’s reputation before others (“My kid behaves well”) or the parent’s comfort (“My kid hasn’t caused us any problems”). It pays more attention to the child’s behavior than to their thoughts and feelings. The most classic example of this is telling a child not to cry when they are upset.
And here is an example of this type of parenting from the life of Jacob and his twelve sons.
Genesis 34
Now Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne to Jacob, went out to see the women of the land. And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, the prince of the land, saw her, he seized her and lay with her and humiliated her. And his soul was drawn to Dinah the daughter of Jacob. He loved the young woman and spoke tenderly to her. So Shechem spoke to his father Hamor, saying, “Get me this girl for my wife.”
Now Jacob heard that he had defiled his daughter Dinah. But his sons were with his livestock in the field, so Jacob held his peace until they came. And Hamor the father of Shechem went out to Jacob to speak with him. The sons of Jacob had come in from the field as soon as they heard of it, and the men were indignant and very angry, because he had done an outrageous thing in Israel by lying with Jacob’s daughter, for such a thing must not be done.
But Hamor spoke with them, saying, “The soul of my son Shechem longs for your daughter. Please give her to him to be his wife. Make marriages with us. Give your daughters to us, and take our daughters for yourselves. You shall dwell with us, and the land shall be open to you. Dwell and trade in it, and get property in it.” Shechem also said to her father and to her brothers, “Let me find favor in your eyes, and whatever you say to me I will give. Ask me for as great a bride-price and gift as you will, and I will give whatever you say to me. Only give me the young woman to be my wife.”
The sons of Jacob answered Shechem and his father Hamor deceitfully, because he had defiled their sister Dinah. They said to them, “We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one who is uncircumcised, for that would be a disgrace to us. Only on this condition will we agree with you—that you will become as we are by every male among you being circumcised. Then we will give our daughters to you, and we will take your daughters to ourselves, and we will dwell with you and become one people. But if you will not listen to us and be circumcised, then we will take our daughter, and we will be gone.”
Their words pleased Hamor and Hamor’s son Shechem. And the young man did not delay to do the thing, because he delighted in Jacob’s daughter. Now he was the most honored of all his father’s house. So Hamor and his son Shechem came to the gate of their city and spoke to the men of their city, saying, “These men are at peace with us; let them dwell in the land and trade in it, for behold, the land is large enough for them. Let us take their daughters as wives, and let us give them our daughters. Only on this condition will the men agree to dwell with us to become one people—when every male among us is circumcised as they are circumcised. Will not their livestock, their property and all their beasts be ours? Only let us agree with them, and they will dwell with us.” And all who went out of the gate of his city listened to Hamor and his son Shechem, and every male was circumcised, all who went out of the gate of his city.>
On the third day, when they were sore, two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brothers, took their swords and came against the city while it felt secure and killed all the males. They killed Hamor and his son Shechem with the sword and took Dinah out of Shechem’s house and went away. The sons of Jacob came upon the slain and plundered the city, because they had defiled their sister. They took their flocks and their herds, their donkeys, and whatever was in the city and in the field. All their wealth, all their little ones and their wives, all that was in the houses, they captured and plundered.
Then Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, “You have brought trouble on me by making me stink to the inhabitants of the land, the Canaanites and the Perizzites. My numbers are few, and if they gather themselves against me and attack me, I shall be destroyed, both I and my household.” But they said, “Should he treat our sister like a prostitute?” (ESV)
One might argue that Jacob was focusing on bringing his sons’ behavior into line because he genuinely feared for the safety of his entire family. But the principle is the same. He rebuked his sons, sought to bring them into line behaviorally because of concern for his own reputation and comfort. He had chosen to dwell near the city of Shechem (not in it, because he was a herder) for security. He could have chosen to move on to another place, near another city. He did not demonstrate understanding of his son’s thoughts and feelings about the disgrace done to their sister. They were hurting and understandably angry. And though we would not condone their behavior, killing every man in the city (only one had directly offended their sister, though, of course, the others all turned a blind eye to the violence done), we can certainly appreciate the level of pain they were in. And what about Dinah’s pain. We see no indication of any regard for her thoughts and feelings.
Are you too concerned that your child’s behavior reflect well on you? Is your discipline more about maintaining your own comfort? That isn’t love for your child. That’s love for yourself.
I would like you to consider that this “parenting” style could also be a “leadership” style for anyone who has power over others. That makes it a “grandparenting” style, or a “CEO” style, or any kind of leadership style. Is this your default style of parenting or leading?
Enmeshed Parenting
We have seen that the DICTATORIAL style focuses on the child’s behavior and ignores their thoughts and feelings. The ENMESHED style focuses on both the child’s behavior and their thoughts and feelings, but not in a healthy way. Here they are on the double axis.
This parent seeks to control both the child’s behavior and the child’s thoughts and feelings. He or she works to get the child to share everything going on in the child’s life (inner and outer life). This parent needs to have a sense of control over the child’s life in order to feel valuable and safe. This is their motivation: I am only valuable and safe when someone needs me. I will show my child that he or she cannot make it without me.
A biblical example of the enmeshed parenting style is Rebekah and Jacob:
Now Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing with which his father had blessed him, and Esau said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are approaching; then I will kill my brother Jacob.” But the words of Esau her older son were told to Rebekah. So she sent and called Jacob her younger son and said to him, “Behold, your brother Esau comforts himself about you by planning to kill you. Now therefore, my son, obey my voice. Arise, flee to Laban my brother in Haran and stay with him a while, until your brother’s fury turns away—until your brother’s anger turns away from you, and he forgets what you have done to him. Then I will send and bring you from there. Why should I be bereft of you both in one day?”
We have already looked at the DICTATORIAL parenting style (high focus on the child’s behavior, low concern about their thoughts and feelings), and the ENMESHED parenting style (high focus and concern on both behavior and thoughts and feelings). Now we examine the INDULGENT style, with low focus on behavior and high focus on thoughts and feelings of the child.
The indulgent parent seeks to influence the thoughts and feelings of the child in order to get a favorable response (that is, the child’s love and affection). He or she will sacrifice control of the child’s behavior as, in effect, a bribe to win the child’s love and affection. The parent’s selfish motivation: I am a good and valuable person if my child loves me. I will make my child so appreciative of me that the child will never push me away. I will ignore the child’s wrong actions if it earns me the child’s love and affection.
This provokes a child to anger (Ephesians 6:4) because it is obviously not for the child’s sake that the parent is acting. Children need parental guidance of their behavior. They don’t need a parent who wants them to love them more than they want their child to be brought up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Children who are indulged learn to play their parents and use the withholding of affection to get what they want. These children lose respect for the indulgent parent.
A biblical example of this style of parenting is found in the priest Eli.
1 Samuel 2:22–25
Now Eli was very old, and he kept hearing all that his sons were doing to all Israel, and how they lay with the women who were serving at the entrance to the tent of meeting. And he said to them, “Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealings from all these people. No, my sons; it is no good report that I hear the people of the LORD spreading abroad. If someone sins against a man, God will mediate for him, but if someone sins against the LORD, who can intercede for him?” But they would not listen to the voice of their father, for it was the will of the LORD to put them to death. (ESV)
We are not told here that Eli cared more about what his sons thought of him than he did how their behavior honored the Lord, but we are shown a prophet who comes to Eli and predicts divine discipline on Eli’s family as priests, saying, “Why…do you honor your sons above” Yahweh (1 Samuel 2:29). We see Eli’s very weak rebuke of his sons and his warning, but we do not see him in any way move to stop their disgraceful behavior. He undoubtedly has spent a lifetime of indulging his two sons and feels powerless now to correct them.
The indulgent parenting style is just as bad as the dictatorial and enmeshed styles. Each is self-centered rather than child-centered and God-centered. These parents are not finding their needs met in the Lord but are seeking to get them met in their children. The last style we look at in the next post will be no exception to this.
Detached Parenting
The DETACHED parenting style has low focus on the child’s behavior and low focus on their thoughts and feelings.
The detached parent ignores the child’s behavior, thoughts, and feelings by being physically and/or emotionally absent to the child. This parent feels worthless or at least incapable of caring adequately for a child and does not need failure in parenting as further proof of that. So he or she checks out of parenting altogether. The detached parent’s motivation: I do not have the time or energy for this child and cannot handle being blamed for how the child turns out. I will leave it to the child or others to see to things.
This provokes a child to anger (Ephesians 6:4) because it leaves a child to himself, deprives the child of relationship to this parent at all. It is a selfish parental style, concerned only for the parent’s comfort and avoidance of blame.
A biblical example of this parenting style is found in king David’s relationship to his sons Amnon and Absalom.
2 Samuel 13:1–21, 28-34, 37
Now Absalom, David’s son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was Tamar. And after a time Amnon, David’s son, loved her. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her. But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David’s brother. And Jonadab was a very crafty man. And he said to him, “O son of the king, why are you so haggard morning after morning? Will you not tell me?” Amnon said to him, “I love Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.” Jonadab said to him, “Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘Let my sister Tamar come and give me bread to eat, and prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat it from her hand.’” So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. And when the king came to see him, Amnon said to the king, “Please let my sister Tamar come and make a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat from her hand.”
Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, “Go to your brother Amnon’s house and prepare food for him.” So Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house, where he was lying down. And she took dough and kneaded it and made cakes in his sight and baked the cakes. And she took the pan and emptied it out before him, but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, “Send out everyone from me.” So everyone went out from him. Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food into the chamber, that I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the cakes she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. But when she brought them near him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, “Come, lie with me, my sister.” She answered him, “No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.” But he would not listen to her, and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her.
Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, “Get up! Go!” But she said to him, “No, my brother, for this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me.” But he would not listen to her. He called the young man who served him and said, “Put this woman out of my presence and bolt the door after her.” Now she was wearing a long robe with sleeves, for thus were the virgin daughters of the king dressed. So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the long robe that she wore. And she laid her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went.
And her brother Absalom said to her, “Has Amnon your brother been with you? Now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother; do not take this to heart.” So Tamar lived, a desolate woman, in her brother Absalom’s house. When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry.
Then Absalom commanded his servants, “Mark when Amnon’s heart is merry with wine, and when I say to you, ‘Strike Amnon,’ then kill him. Do not fear; have I not commanded you? Be courageous and be valiant.” So the servants of Absalom did to Amnon as Absalom had commanded. Then all the king’s sons arose, and each mounted his mule and fled.
While they were on the way, news came to David, “Absalom has struck down all the king’s sons, and not one of them is left.” Then the king arose and tore his garments and lay on the earth. And all his servants who were standing by tore their garments. But Jonadab the son of Shimeah, David’s brother, said, “Let not my lord suppose that they have killed all the young men, the king’s sons, for Amnon alone is dead. For by the command of Absalom this has been determined from the day he violated his sister Tamar. Now therefore let not my lord the king so take it to heart as to suppose that all the king’s sons are dead, for Amnon alone is dead.”
But Absalom fled. (ESV)
David is detached as a parent, and we may guess why. His son Amnon has done something very similar to what David did, taking a woman sexually that he should not have. How can David punish or deal with Amnon when he has been guilty of the same thing? So he does nothing but get angry. Absalom believes it falls to him to avenge this wrong, since his father will do nothing. After Absalom has been away some time in self-exile, David is persuaded to allow Absalom to return home, but he refuses to meet with Absalom (2 Samuel 14). David now takes a detached style with Absalom. After all, Absalom has done the same thing David did when he had Bathsheba’s husband put to death. Absalom’s anger at this eventually leads him to overthrow his father and make himself king in David’s place (2 Samuel 15-18).
So none of the parenting styles we have examined is a godly parenting style, not the DICTATORIAL style, the ENMESHED style, the INDULGENT style, nor the DETACHED style. What is the godly style of parenting?
Godly Parenting
We have looked at four parenting styles, the DICTATORIAL, the ENMESHED, the INDULGENT, and the DETACHED. Each of these styles was stated at their extremes, with focus on the child’s behavior to the max (dictatorial), too much focus on both the behavior and the thoughts and feelings of the child (enmeshed), with focus on the child’s thoughts and feelings to the neglect of attention to their behavior (indulgent), and the complete lack of focus on behavior or thoughts and feelings (detached).
But of course, there are degrees all along the spectrum (or the axis). As you look at your personal parenting style (or your style of leadership in any one-up, top-down, authority position), ask yourself what your tendency is. You might also think in terms of whether you have one parenting style with one or more of your children and a different style with another child or children.
For some reason I had an overly indulgent parenting style with my youngest. Birth order often affects the way parents relate to their children. The firstborn often elicits a more dictatorial style, the middle child a more detached style, and the baby of the family a more indulgent style. Parents are not usually a one-style fits all type of parent.
Another factor in the parenting style we use is the style our spouse is using. If one parent is detached from his or her children, the other parent will often feel a need to adopt a more enmeshed style (my child needs me because I am the only one really parenting them). It is common in divorced families for one spouse to take a more indulgent style as a way of getting a child’s affection as over against the other parent. It becomes a kind of competition. Any parent who takes too selfish a parenting style often moves the other parent to take an opposing style.
But neither of these styles is a godly style, even if not taken to the extreme. Parenting, like all leadership, is for the benefit of the child (or the one led), not for the benefit of the parent or leader. Godly leadership/parenting gives appropriate attention to both the child’s behavior and the child’s thoughts and feelings. We might direct our attention to the center of the axis so that we are not out of bounds on either focus.
Children need an appropriate attention to their behavior and their thoughts and feelings. The Scriptures teach that foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him (Proverbs 22:15). This does not mean that all discipline of a child needs to be spanking. But it does mean that a child’s natural tendency is not to right behavior or right thoughts and feelings. The child, like all humans, is desperately trying to get his needs met by himself. He creates his strategy for how to get love and security. He does this by means that are not always healthy or right.
The child might learn that lying gets him what he needs. Or he might learn that being funny gets him love. These tactics become his strategy. But what he needs to learn is that lying is destructive to others and ultimately to himself. It needs to hurt more to lie than to tell the truth. He needs to learn that always being funny is not a path to genuine emotional intimacy, which we all need. There are times to be serious.
If we discipline, however, by only addressing the behavior, or only addressing the thoughts and feelings, we come up short in training our children. Our kids need both aspects of that training. I know two parents who had a disagreement over their daughter’s school clothing. The mother bought shoes for her daughter that she later did not want her daughter to wear to school. This dictatorial style was motivated by how the mother felt she would be viewed by others as a mother. The daughter put those shoes on one morning for school and the father saw this, knew the mother was uncomfortable with the daughter wearing them to school, but wanting to be cool in his daughter’s eyes (indulgent) approved her wearing them.
What was needed was parenting for the child’s sake. What were the child’s thoughts and feelings about wearing those shoes to school? The mother needed to give attention to this aspect. The father needed to support the mother and uphold her demand that the daughter not wear those shoes to school, not seek to get his needs met by indulging. But the parents needed to come together and expose what each of them were experiencing in their own thoughts and feelings and discuss what their daughter really needed.
Recognizing what style you are operating in will help you realize what selfish motives are at play in your leadership and the direction you need to go in properly bringing up your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
About the Author
Randall Johnson
A full-time pastor since 1979, Randall originally graduated from Dallas Theological Seminary (ThM) in 1979 and from Reformed Theological Seminary (DMin) in 1998. He is married with four grown children and a pile of epic grandchildren.
