The Tribes and Us: Reuben and Sexuality

[Genesis 49 is the record of Jacob’s prophecies about his sons and Deuteronomy 33 is Moses’ blessings to each of the tribes those sons engendered.  This is an exploration of these passages and others about the tribes of Israel and what we can learn from them for us today.]

“Reuben, you are my firstborn, my might, and the firstfruits of my strength, preeminent in dignity and preeminent in power.  Unstable as water, you shall not have preeminence, because you went up to your father’s bed; then you defiled it—he went up to my couch! (Genesis 49:3–4, ESV)

“Let Reuben live, and not die, but let his men be few.” (Deuteronomy 33:6, ESV)

As Jacob’s firstborn Reuben was destined to receive a double portion of the inheritance and take the position of patriarch of the family upon Jacob’s death.  But he had sex with Jacob’s concubine Zilpah, Jacob’s secondary wife and Leah’s servant, who had given Jacob Gad and Asher.  Jacob was dishonored greatly by this act of Reuben’s.  Reuben dishonored himself and Zilpah.

Why did he do it?  Was he in love with Zilpah?  Was this a power play we’ve commonly seen in mideastern culture, sleeping with the wife or concubine of a man of power as a signal that you now have the power?  We don’t know.  All we are told is, “While Israel [Jacob] lived in that land, Reuben went and lay with Zilpah his father’s concubine.  And Israel [Jacob] heard of it.”  Leah was Reuben’s mother and he certainly would have been around Zilpah often.  Did Zilpah have any role in this, or any choice?

Sexual temptation is perhaps the strongest temptation we face.  Unlike the temptation to power or lying or envy, it has a biological component.  When one is aroused sexually it seems like nothing is more important than fulfilling that sexual urge.   But here is where being a responsible and loving person comes into play.  There is a reason God said no to sex outside of marriage.  The consequences are devastating and unloving.  The responsible person considers the consequences of illicit sex and denies his or her passions for the good of all.

If Reuben had weighed the consequences and acted with love and integrity, he would have denied himself a sexual relationship with Zilpah.  Could he really share his father’s wife?  Could he take her away from his father?  What would her relationship with her sons now be?  How could he be in fellowship with his father and the rest of the family?  How would his mother Leah deal with this?  What would any child born from this union grow up learning about family and sexuality?  How would Reuben support Zilpah and any children born to her?  And in light of this, the most important question would be, “Is it worth it?”

Many have answered the last question, “Is it worth it,” with a resounding yes, because “love” is worth it.  But as powerful as sexual attraction is, it will not carry you through to real love for the person you’re with.  The days will come when it will not be enough, it will not have been worth it.  Sexual attraction causes us to build an expectation of an ideal future.  But if we just think about it a little more clearly we will see that such idealism is misplaced.  How many beautiful and wealthy Hollywood stars have left spouses, beautiful spouses at that, for another beauty, only to end those relationships down the road?  Sex will not carry us through.  As powerfully motivating as it is now, its power will wane.

Perhaps the most stunning Biblical example of this is king David’s son Amnon, who was in love with David’s daughter by another wife, “in love,” so he thought, with the sister of Absalom, Tamar (2 Samuel 13).  He wanted her so badly that he staged a way to be near her unescorted and raped her.  But as soon as he got what he so desperately wanted, he despised her.  Talk about a turn-around in feelings!

A real man, a real woman, is someone who is sexually responsible.  It isn’t about having no sexual attraction to people other than your spouse.  Some people are “falling in love” with other people all the time while some have only ever fallen in love once.  It’s really about choosing to heed the consequences of stepping into this dangerous territory and making a wise and loving decision to curb your sexual desire, your fleeting, temporary sexual desire.  It isn’t love to engage in sex with someone not your spouse.  It hurts them, it hurts you, and it hurts a host of other people in your life.

The book of Proverbs observes,

He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself.   He will get wounds and dishonor, and his disgrace will not be wiped away. (Proverbs 6:32–33, ESV)

Reuben became the public service announcement for this warning.  He lost his priority among his brothers, lost the privilege of firstborn.  1 Chronicles 5:1 says the birthright fell to Joseph and his two sons instead.  He did not find his actions worth it.  Nor does anyone who does something for sex.  Sex is a great gift from God and a wonderful experience that feels a little like what heaven must be like.  But if used irresponsibly the result will be hell, not heaven.

1. Sexual temptation is unlike any other because of the biological urge that accompanies it.
2. Many a sin would not be committed if only one stopped and considered the consequences.
3. Doing things for (sexual) love never pays off and is always fleeting.
4. God prohibited sex outside of marriage because of the damaging consequences it results in.
5. Sex outside of marriage hurts everyone involved.