What is Love?

“What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more.” Those are the scintillating lyrics of singer Haddaway from his debut album, The Album (1993). In the song he says, “When we are together, I need you forever. Is it love?” But he never answers the question, and never actually tells us what love is. But I mean, we didn’t really expect him to, did we?

It seems like we should develop a definition of love so that we can more effectively love others.  A definition would allow us to check ourselves in any given situation to see if we are indeed being loving.  Paul had to challenge the Philippians in regard to their love.  They had learned that he was imprisoned for his faith and taken to Rome to have an appeals hearing that might result in either his release or his execution.  They were understandably shaken and dismayed.  Some among them decided they needed to send Paul money, as they had done often, but others were arguing that they were too impoverished themselves to help.  It was creating a rift between the members of the church.  Paul wrote his letter to deal with this issue and mentions what he is praying for this congregation:

And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-11, ESV)

He then adds knowledge to their love by pointing out in verses 12-18 that his imprisonment has actually served to advance the gospel.  This implies that some of them believed his persecution was destructive to the progress of the gospel.  He points out that it gave him a chance to spread the message to the Praetorian guard and it emboldened the believers in Rome to share their faith.  And he points out that the only thing actually threatening the gospel at all is the disunity between believers in Rome.

All of this suggests some components of the question of what love is that will help develop a working definition of love:

• There is an emotional component of love (the Philippians feel distress over Paul’s suffering because they love him and his hurt is their hurt)
• There is an action component to love (the Philippians are moved to act on Paul’s behalf)
• There is a truth component to love (the Philippians are inaccurate about what is actually a loving response in this situation and need truth to inform their feelings and actions)

We may venture a definition based on these components:

Love is desiring God’s best for someone else and acting to accomplish it.

– If I don’t have an emotional desire for someone’s good, I am not fully expressing love.

– If I don’t do something to see that good achieved in their life, I am not fully expressing love.

– If I don’t define that good by God’s standards, I am not fully expressing love.

The Philippians had an emotional desire for Paul’s good and acted to help achieve it, but they defined that good in less than godly ways.  That is why Paul prayed that their love might grow in knowledge and depth of insight.

We can imagine, on the other hand, someone having the action-oriented juice to secure God’s best for someone, but having no emotional desire for that person, or having a desire for someone and know what God’s best for them is, but not do anything about it. Neither of these cases would therefore fit the Biblical definition for love.

Love is desiring God’s best for someone and acting to accomplish it.

We can couple this definition with the love principles of 1 Corinthians 13:

Purpose Principle:  Increasing my value in the eyes of others competes with God’s calling on my life to love others.

Impact Principle:  My contribution to the world is measured, not in gifts I bring to the table, but in the love I bring to the table.

Reward Principle:  Reward for self-sacrifice is directly proportional to whether I do it in love or not.  No love? No reward, no matter how great the sacrifice.  Great love? No matter how small the sacrifice, the reward is great.

Love, then, is desiring God’s best for someone and acting sacrificially to accomplish it whether it increases my value in the eyes of others or makes an impact.

Love is thus always self-sacrificially acting on another’s behalf out of desire for their well-being, in accordance with God’s truth about what is best for that person, and whether any concrete good comes from it or is noticed.

Given this defining of love from a biblical perspective, how would we evaluate the following situations as to whether biblical love is being expressed?

What Is Missing from These Claims to Love?

#1 – Mary has an amazing gift for organizing and has been tapped to lead women’s ministry in a small country church.  She believes the old ways of doing things need to be changed if they are to reach more women for the gospel.  She wants to focus on developing ministry to the poor and a missions outreach. She has a major rival in Joanie, who cherishes the traditions of her church and thinks the world needs to return to the old values.  She wants to call more women to the sewing and quilting circles and focus on Bible studies.  They frequently argue about what next steps need to be taken.

Both Mary and Joanie are using their gifting in service to women, and seem to have an emotional concern for women, sacrificing themselves to see that these women are ministered to. But the fact that they are arguing about how to accomplish ministry to women suggests that they are not loving these women with God’s best. God’s best is unity, not conflict over methodology.

 

#2 – John is sure that his wife Liz needs to shape up in terms of disciplining their kids.  He feels she is too lax when it comes to applying consequences to their misbehaviors.  She, on the other hand, thinks John is too strict, often not considering what the kids are dealing with on the inside that might motivate bad behavior.  John has taken to getting angry when he thinks Liz has failed to apply discipline and Liz has become quiet and brooding.

God’s best for John’s and Liz’s kids is that their parents be in unity about parenting them, but they are not setting aside (sacrificing) their pet viewpoints to come to agreement about an approach to parenting. And it may actually be that they are not really considering their children’s real needs and so not acting in what is God’s best for their children.

 

#3 – Zeke has begun supporting a mission agency that is making a difference by planting churches in places where the gospel has very little exposure.  But lately he has been concerned that the churches they are planting are too charismatic.  He is thinking of dropping his support.

Is this a real loving desire for the welfare of these believers? Is focusing on secondary issues like the charisma or gifts instead of the gospel really desiring God’s best for them?

 

Making It Personal

What conflict are you experiencing currently?  Assess as honestly as you can whether you are focused on increasing your value in the eyes of another, seeking to make an impact by the character of your performance, and/or using self-sacrifice as a means of reward.  Evaluate whether you are emotionally desiring the good of the other in this conflict, doing something to bring about good in their life, and defining that good in biblical terms.